Limits?

  
After a discussion with a certain vanilla friend of mine (for the purpose of this post we’ll call her Samantha) I decided I wanted to put this out there. 
Now Samantha and her fiance (we’ll call him Jerry) decided they needed to spice up their sex life. So Samantha asked me what little things they could try in the bedroom without getting too “crazy”. I suggested they start simple maybe adding a blindfold or handcuffs, but I also suggested that her and Jerry sit down and discuss his/her limits first and decide on a safe word, to which she responded “Oh don’t be silly Jerry would never hurt me besides it’s not like we’re going to get crazy like you”….

Here’s where I see fault in this, I’ve been with a few Dom(s)/Domme(s) before and even though I gave them my trust and I knew they would not intentionally hurt me I still discussed my (and even their) limits. Not because I didn’t trust them, but because I didn’t want either of us to get put into a bad situation. 

Now some of you might be asking limits? What do you mean by limits?

Wikipedia defines a limit as “issue(s) in a BDSM play scene which one or both partners feels strongly about, usually referring to prohibited activities, generally negotiated before the scene starts.”

In BDSM there are two types of limits “hard limits” and “soft limits”.

A “hard limit” is something that you will not do under any circumstance. Violating a hard limit is often considered cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. For me a hard limit is scat play, that is something I will not do no matter who my partner is. 

A “soft limit” is something that a person hesitates about or places conditions on, but for which they may still give consent. Soft limits can also include actions that require a cautious approach or, while somewhat appealing, still generate an uncomfortable amount of apprehension in one or more partners. For me a soft limit is anal play,  it’s something I’ll do but only with certain partners.

A Dom, needs to know where your limits are. This is both so that he can push your soft limits or your areas of discomfort in an effort to improve your experience and also to that he can avoid your hard limits and create an experience that could be detrimental to the health of one or both of you. 

When discussing limits with potential play partners and Doms,I like to have my list on hand to make the discussion easier. 

http://sweetsurrender.org/BDSMCheclist.xls

Remember it’s perfectly okay to have limits, and just because a Dom doesn’t agree with your limits, didn’t mean there is anything wrong with them it just means they are not a good match for you! 
Stay safe, sane, and consensual!

~ Kitten

Kink of the Week – Asphyxiation 

   

It’s been requested that I start doing a kink of the week, so each Sunday I’ll put a new one out by midnight!

I’ll also post readers kinks, so if you’d like your kink posted here email in or comment below and you could be on the next weeks post! 

So I figured I’d start with the letter A and work my way through the alphabet haha, so this week’s kink is Asphyxiation. 

I’m not sure why but this is one of my favorite kinks! There’s no better way to get me off than a strong hand around my neck, it just makes you feel so vounerable.

For those new to BDSM you might be asking what is asphyxiation? 

Well it’s the restriction of oxygen to the brain for the purpose of sexual arousal.

This is also one of the activities that falls under edge play due to it being one of the more dangerous kinks! One thing making it risky is its often hard to tell if damage is being done to the submissive until it’s too late! So if this type of play is to be attempted it should be discussed before hand, have a safeword at the ready and make sure it’s not a hard or soft limit!

Be careful of your actions and stay aware of your partner! Remember stay safe, sane and consensual!

~ kitten 

Consent 

  Let’s talk a little bit about consent! I got a question from a reader asking “Does consent count in a D/s relationship or is it just implied because your submitting to your Dom?”

First things first, if you say NO and you do NOT consent it is rape! 

Now that we’ve got that covered let’s discuss some common questions about consent within a D/s relationship……

“I’m in a D/s relationship, I submit to my Dom isn’t that implied consent?”

“Well we’re together and we’ve had sex before doesn’t that imply consent?”

“Well I said yes at first then it started to hurt, got too rough, etc… and I used my safeword, needed him/her to stop, even though I said yes in the beginning can I change my mind during the act?”

“My partner isn’t sober, can he/she still consent?”

“I didn’t exactly say no, but I didn’t say yes either, did I consent?”

“We went out on a date last night/I flirted with him earlier that night, was that consent?”

“I didn’t say anything, does that mean I consented?”

“I had to convince my partner but eventually she let me, she consented right?”

“I said yes because I don’t want my Dom to punish me, but I really didn’t want it, is that consent?”

“What actually is consent?”

All these questions pop up in our heads, how do we know if we’ve actually given consent? 

If your wondering if it’s consent just ask yourself this question……

“Did I give an informed, sober, freely-given, ongoing, enthusiastic, yes?”

If the answer is yes then you gave consent. 

If the answer is no or your unsure in anyway then you did not give consent. 

Remember……

Sex without consent is rape!

If it’s not safe, sane, and consensual it’s not BDSM its abuse!

I hope this has cleared up any questions you may have! 

      ~ kitten 


To My Fellow Kinksters!

  I started this blog as a way to get my (kinky) thoughts out, and help my fellow kinksters out with any questions they may have about BDSM.

I only started this blog a few weeks ago and already I’m getting email after email, question after question! 

I never imagined this blog would be so popular! I love that you guys are asking questions and I have my next blogs lined up based on your questions! 

I promise to get back to everyone as soon as I can but here’s where we get a little personal. Since starting this blog I’ve gotten really sick, I have a compromised immune system and I’ve recently been bed ridden with an upper respiratory infection which to most people wouldn’t be a big issue but because I have a weakened immune system it’s hitting me pretty hard, and all I want to do is sleep haha! 

So moral of the story is, no I’m not ignoring you guys, yes I’m working on getting back to everyone. 

In the mean time stay safe, sane, and consensual!

~ Kitten

Getting Started!

  A question I get asked frequently is “I think I’d like to try BDSM but I’m not sure where to start!”

First, research research research! You can never know too much but not knowing enough can be the difference betweena night of Risk Aware, Consensual, Kink and a night spent in the hospital! 
Example; I learned I was into kink when I was 16 and my ex wanted to try something new and kinky! Being young and stupid I agreed without doing any research or agreeing on a safe word (he’d never hurt me right?). That was a HUGE mistake he proceeded to bind my hands and feet to the bed, gag me with my panties and blindfold me, after tying me up he started whipping me with his belt (something I quite enjoy now). Soon after he got rougher and rougher and when I tried telling him stop he couldn’t hear me…… That night I ended up in the hospital! Moral of the story know what you are getting into! 

This leads me to my next suggestion, learn your limits (there will be a second post completely on limits for those looking for more information). There is no such things as having no limits, and I refuse to play with Doms who don’t allow limits, everyone has limits, for some that may just be the standard no animals, kids or dead bodies but regardless those are still limits. I like to have a list filled out just to hand to my partner, you can find your own list or use the same one I do. 

http://sweetsurrender.org/BDSMCheclist.xls

Last but most importantly, decide on a SAFEWORD! Make sure it’s not something you’d say during sex normally and never use No! When it comes to safewords some people use a different word for each letter of the alphabet each time they play! I personally use the stoplight system, red means STOP, yellow means slow down or adjust what your doing and green means I’m fine keep going!  

If you and your partner are new start SLOW, maybe the first time just try handcuffs, the next add a blindfold and so on go slow and figure out what you and your partner like! Not everyone will have the same likes and dislikes so you may have to compromise.

Example you like being tied up but your partner isn’t comfortable doing that, try having your partner hold your hands firmly above your head. 
Or 

Your partner likes to use gags but it is a slight fear for you, have your partner cover your mouth with their hand.
See compromise it can work in any situation and is a must for what we do!
Remember keep it safe, sane, and consensual!

Any questions feel free to contact us at akinkyjourney@gmail.com

Peace, Love and Bondage

     ~ Kitten 

The Abusive “Dom”

  

 It’s easy for more vanilla people to try convince us submissives that submitting ourselves to our Doms, means that we are allowing ourselves to be abused. Now I can see why they say this, we allow someone to take control of our life,  make rules for us and punish us when they see fit. In a completely vanilla relationship, if your husband or boyfriend did that you, you would say leave that jerk don’t let him treat you like that, but that is exactly what seperates a vanilla relationship from a D/s relationship. We willingly submit to a Dom with the understanding that in giving him our all, and submitting to him heart, mind, body and soul,  he will love, support, guide, accept and protect us in exchange for that submission, but how can you decide if that safe, sane, consensual, and kinky D/s relationship has turned into abuse? Ask yourself these questions!

  1. Does you Dom scare you or make you fearful of them? 
  2. Has your Dom threatened to kill you? 
  3. Do you feel you do nothing right? Or that you will never be able to please your Dom? 
  4. Have you ever been hit, pushed, choked, had your hair pulled, or been slapped by your Dom while He is angry and that these acts were at the time non consensual? 
  5. Does your Dom yell at you or tell you that you are worthless or no good, again outside of a scene and without negotiation or consent? 
  6. Do you believe you have to tip-toe around your Dom to prevent an outburst of anger? 
  7. Does your Dom try to limit the amount of time you spend with friends and family or on the phone or Internet? 
  8. Does your Dom make you do things you don’t want to do? I.e. demand you perform hard limits?
  9. Have family or friends expressed their concern about your relationship? 
  10. Are your children afraid of your Dom?
  11. Do you believe you deserve the abusive treatment you receive?
  12. Do you realize you are abused but don’t know where to get help? 
  13. Has your Dom ever ignored or refused you the right to use a safeword?

What do you do if you think you’re in an abusive relationship?

  1. Contact a friend or family member to help you out and give you a safe place for you to stay, if you don’t have a friend or family member you trust contact your local abuse shelter, they can also provide a safe place to stay while you sort things out. 
  2. Make an emergency kit that you can easily grab. It should have money, checkbook, credit cards, health records, school information, birth & marriage certificates, driver’s license, social security numbers, house & car keys. 
  3. Do not tolerate abusive behavior from your spouse. It won’t go away by denying it. The situation will only grow worse. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger. 
  4. Another source of help is the National Domestic Violence Hotline  (U.S.) at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TTY). (UK Freephone) 0808 2000 247. Help is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
  5. If you are in the US download the Aspire app onto your smart phone, once set up all you have to do is double tap the icon and it will alert any pre set emergency contacts as well as the police of your situation and location and a message you have pretty typed to let the people you trust get help to you!  Also as soon as it is activated it will start recording the conversation so all you’ll have to do is play the conversation back to the police. It has a get educated section as well to help you get information on local shelters and what to do if you need to get out! 

Please do NOT stay in an abusive relationship that is not what BDSM is about, remember if it’s not safe, sane and consensual it’s not BDSM its abuse!