After a discussion with a certain vanilla friend of mine (for the purpose of this post we’ll call her Samantha) I decided I wanted to put this out there.
Now Samantha and her fiance (we’ll call him Jerry) decided they needed to spice up their sex life. So Samantha asked me what little things they could try in the bedroom without getting too “crazy”. I suggested they start simple maybe adding a blindfold or handcuffs, but I also suggested that her and Jerry sit down and discuss his/her limits first and decide on a safe word, to which she responded “Oh don’t be silly Jerry would never hurt me besides it’s not like we’re going to get crazy like you”….
Here’s where I see fault in this, I’ve been with a few Dom(s)/Domme(s) before and even though I gave them my trust and I knew they would not intentionally hurt me I still discussed my (and even their) limits. Not because I didn’t trust them, but because I didn’t want either of us to get put into a bad situation.
Now some of you might be asking limits? What do you mean by limits?
Wikipedia defines a limit as “issue(s) in a BDSM play scene which one or both partners feels strongly about, usually referring to prohibited activities, generally negotiated before the scene starts.”
In BDSM there are two types of limits “hard limits” and “soft limits”.
A “hard limit” is something that you will not do under any circumstance. Violating a hard limit is often considered cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. For me a hard limit is scat play, that is something I will not do no matter who my partner is.
A “soft limit” is something that a person hesitates about or places conditions on, but for which they may still give consent. Soft limits can also include actions that require a cautious approach or, while somewhat appealing, still generate an uncomfortable amount of apprehension in one or more partners. For me a soft limit is anal play, it’s something I’ll do but only with certain partners.
A Dom, needs to know where your limits are. This is both so that he can push your soft limits or your areas of discomfort in an effort to improve your experience and also to that he can avoid your hard limits and create an experience that could be detrimental to the health of one or both of you.
When discussing limits with potential play partners and Doms,I like to have my list on hand to make the discussion easier.
Remember it’s perfectly okay to have limits, and just because a Dom doesn’t agree with your limits, didn’t mean there is anything wrong with them it just means they are not a good match for you!
Stay safe, sane, and consensual!